Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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