it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize