i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
