My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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