did you get engaged???
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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