last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
