Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
