life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I want to be your penis for a week.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
