It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
