the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
