M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's shark week go big or go home
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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