At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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