im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize