I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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