I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
