Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
