Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
