Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize