i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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