What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
