took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize