I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
