The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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