I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
