Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
