How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
