when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
