we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
