I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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