Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
