Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
