call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
