it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
