Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
