This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
