The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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