So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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