Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
