Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
