I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
