maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
