so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize