I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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