I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
