i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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