The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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