Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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