we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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