Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
