i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
