She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I could fuck to npr.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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