A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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