I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
When are your genitals available?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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