he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
