I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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