Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
