The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
