If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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