On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
