is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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