I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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