so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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