so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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