It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
