I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
