i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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