I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize